The Terrible Colour Catastrophe

Oh no! Oh no! Ohhhhh!! The exclamations of an exasperated man on removing a jacket and coat from a washing machine that had been affected by colourful trousers. In short, the vibrant colours had infiltrated the garments unlawfully.

How could you be soo stupid?! I just wasn't thinking...The mental merry - go round began. My poor coats!! Royal blue trousers with a beige coat. Cranberry trousers with a light coloured jacket. How foolish could I have been! That, plus a white shirt and other items had all been bunged into a washing machine and had decided to stage an impromptu party. Some of the clothes came away from this ill fated occasion unscathed - but others, well, they decided to get together. Blue and beige hooked up and cranberry and light colour (not even sure what the exact colour is called). They also hooked up. Oh, and dont get me started on the white shirt.

So, I was stood there cradling the garments. Sad and annoyed, a bit upset, and despondent. Whisk all of those words together and you get one unhappy bunny.

After a moment or two at anguish hotel I decided to check out. Time for affirmative action. Time to try and rectify these wrongs. I do not approve of these colour merges one tiny little bit. I may have encouraged these little blighters to hook up by allowing them to party together - but now they must be separated.

Separated... and quickly.

My day was not going to run exactly how I had planned it now. A spanner had been thrown in the works.
In a semi panic I called up a local dry cleaners enquiring as to whether they could fix my coats. The woman on the other end basically said no, well, she said no. And advised that I should go to a shop that sells stuff and buy something for colour acquainted clothing. Thanks lady! thanks for nothing! (I was still quite frantic). Err, I didn't say thanks for nothing - I was raised better than to be rude like that.

A quick dash to the supermarket ensued. Aisle located with all the products that proclaim to "fix and rectify bits and pieces, stains and pains.''

I stood there like a bamboozled pigeon in the headlights of a big old truck. The shelves were stacked with all sorts of brands and products. What on earth would I choose.

What should I buy?!? I rang my mother - She seemed busy, so the conversation was pretty brief. I decided to buy a well known brand - because I thought - it's a well known brand - it surely should be able to do the trick. The brand shares the same name as a cartoon Mermaid that swam in the water and had a crabby mate with a Jamaican accent.

Purchased (along with a few other bits and pieces). Might as well make the most of the supermarket visit.

On returning home the instructions were read and administered. Time to separate these colours...I hoped and well hoped again. Be optimistic son, think positive. These coats were not cheap, and I can not allow them to go down the road to perdition. No, not my watch sonny!

One by one, they soaked for an hour... soaking, soaking, soaking... Whilst I paced up and down like an anxious father waiting for his wife,(Beyonce or Jessica Alba for arguments sake) to give birth. And he, the father, was outside of the delivery room.*

Anxious and jittery.

Soaked coats removed - and then placed into the washing machine. The coordinates pressed - and away it went. Spinning and grumbling. I can't even recall what I did in the mean while... Oh, I went to the gym. I was not going to stay in all day like a prized lemon waiting for the washing machine to do its business. So, I left the big white box alone to do its thing in the hope that on my return everything would be OK again.

Some hours later...

Home again; and I approached the washing machine in a tentative manner. Not wanting to be disappointed with what it would reveal to me. I approached the machine like a weary child approaching an old smelly person with minimal teeth, professing to have 'sweeties' for them. Exactly like that.

I opened the door slowly, and removed the somewhat saturated coat and jacket. Casting my beady eyes over what was before me.

Imagine a super fat elephant jumping onto a bouncy castle...  then think of a word that begins with D. Deflated... Big ol' deflation! Stupid well known brand!! I trusted you! You even share your name with a Mermaid!

Shaking my head - I starred blankly around my kitchen. I will not allow these colours to be together. No, No, Noooo!!! I sank to my knees looking up at the ceiling whilst clutching the coats tight to my chest *

A few days have passed since this awful incident and things are looking up - the colours are fading a bit. Yes, fading, they know they shouldn't be together. I have enlisted the help of another removal agent and this seems to have worked better than the other brand. I will keep using it until I am satisfied.

I must stay optimistic that my coat and jacket can re find their former lustre.

This has been a very trying time for myself - but I feel I can see light at the end of the tunnel.


Submitted by Demola, The Collective




* Some parts of this account are not entirely true and have been slightly fabricated for the enjoyment of the reader. (Fabricated! what a sweet pun!).