The greatest ever love letter

The second hand clock ticked. It was now 11am. He had been busy sat in the solitary kitchen for the past two hours, attempting to write the most beautiful love letter known to man. 

This grandiose feat was proving to be extremely tricky. He had written and rewritten his attempted legendary letter ten times now.

He wanted it to be perfect. It had to be amazing. Like she was. However, this was growing into a titanic struggle which was beginning to frustrate him. He took a sip of his hot coffee and thought of more things to write, choosing the exact words to express his deepest feelings. This was harder than he had envisaged.

He groaned out loud as he scrunched up another piece of paper and tossed it at the nearby bin, he missed. He shook his head in dismay then buried his face in his hands for a moment before gazing around the small kitchen for a crumb of inspiration. The grey kettle looked back at him blankly. The cheap cooker appeared disinterested, the small loaf of bread remained motionless. He gazed at the fridge as it made a strange buzzing noise. 

"Stupid kitchen! There is nothing here to inspire me to write this love letter!" He told himself. He stared hard at the A4 pad imploring himself to think of beautiful words that would make her fall in love with him and then become his wife. He puffed out his cheeks before letting out a purposeful sigh.

The dreamy lady who attended his local bingo hall didn't even know how he felt. It's not like he went there because he enjoyed bingo. In fact, he hated it. But because she went he had did, too. His future wife  needed to know he was indeed the man of her dreams. He had fallen into a state of beautiful love as soon as he had seen her calling out bingo! Waving those arms. He was convinced she was the absolute one. She looked like she could bake bread. Like she was handy around the home. She had a nice face. She would make his life a lot easier. He had no doubts about it. She was unequivocally the one.

He just needed to pen this wonderful letter and then everything would be perfect. His writing had to be super neat. Spelling, grammar. He would get it to her and then wait for the wheels to start rolling. When she read his letter she would gush and fall madly, insanely in love and he would know he had been successful with his great declaration of love. A sudden surge of inspiration came to him. His eyes lit up and he began to write...

Dear woman, 

I think you are the fittest thing I have ever laid eyes on. I have a confession to make, I am truly, madly in love with you. I have been so for as long as I have been alive, I just didn't realise it until I caught sight of your curvaceous form. I know you would be very useful to me. I also think your faint moustache is cute. One even suspects your weight fluctuates from time to time, but you know what - I don't mind at all. My love is blind. I believe that I am the man of your dreams. You know what time it is, babe. We are made for one another. I am your knight in shining armour. 

Love, your future husband.

xxx 

A big beam broke out on his face as he rubbed his hands excitedly and thought that's it. She's mine. 

Demola, TCC