The travelling process. Part Two

Airplane designers clearly think it's necessary for us poor folk to enter the plane through first class, clutching our hand luggage like the paupers we are, looking on at the rich people.

As we are swiftly ushered through, the smug first class passengers lay in a sprawled out, ridiculous fashion just to show off and rub it in our faces. 

One day I shall join the elite travellers, one day... When a pig is strapped into the seat next to me, perhaps? Get it? Never mind.

So now comes the lottery of who I get to sit next to. Will it be some annoying little child that can't sit still? A screaming baby? Or perhaps I'll have the pleasure of being squashed up against the window by a fat person that could do with two seats... One for each bum cheek. Thankfully, I've usually got off quite lightly in this regard... 

Not like one woman I remember on a flight to Mauritius two years ago. She was sitting with her husband a few rows in front of me and was sobbing uncontrollably. Her husband, nor the sultry Emirates hostesses could console her. Why? Because sitting right next to her was a man covered in lesions, who kept constantly coughing into a white sheet which he had used in an attempt to cover his disturbing appearance. This was a nine hour flight, and that woman definitely did not fare well in the 'Airplane seat lottery'.

Window seats are always cool for the views and photos, but the aisle seats are practical. So for me, it's aisle seats over everythang. Middle seats are for losers. Little leg room, complete strangers falling asleep and dribbling on your shoulder, and complete mayhem every time you want to relieve yourself from all the free drinks I've been necking, even when you wasn't even thirsty.

So, now I'm comfortably sat in my aisle seat next to a slim, nice smelling lady. Its time for me to check out the inflight entertainment. 

Now if you're on a rubbish plane, forget it. You won't even have a communal TV screen let alone a personal one. If you're on a decent plane with TV screens, but on a short flight, they won't even turn them on. However, if you're on a nice big plane with a long flight... Well done! You will be entertained. However, the quality of this does vary. 

The best experience of inflight entertainment I ever had was on the Emirates A380 double decker airbus. My personal TV unit came complete with boxsets, unreleased movies, radio stations, music albums split up into genres and compilations. It even had the films split into countries/languages, covering world cinema from all around the globe. 

Whoever designed their inflight entertainment system deserves an award. There are even lives camera feeds that you can select to view, streaming from cameras fitted all around the outside of the aircraft. The downward facing camera was amazing to use while we flew over the United Arab Emirates/Dubai, giving us views of all the man made islands in all their wonderful shapes, carved into the aqua blue seas.

So, what to eat while watching all these delights? Most are quick to rubbish airplane food, but I actually think the majority of it is pretty good. In a recent flight on United Airlines en route to Chicago, they kept stuffing us with tasty treats and drinks every hour or two. I think I had about four dinners on the one flight.

Free alcohol is always welcome, but this is quite rare. Emirates Airlines indulged us on my way from Dubai to Mauritius, but I can recall many other flights I've been on with this as standard. Paying for alcohol on flights is pointless, it's kind of like ordering out of a hotel mini bar. Overpriced and undersized.

Anyhow, now my flight is slowly coming to an end. I've spent numerous hours checking the graphic image showing my plane move painfully slow across the map on my TV screen. I've had just about enough of randomly being told to fasten my seatbelt, just when I want to go and use the insanely small toilet. 

Yes, the novelty has officially worn off and at the risk of getting DVT, I am now ready to get off this flying contraption, stretch my legs and breathe some fresh air.

Ah, but not before I fill out my homework...


Joshua, TCC