A crocodile ate my wife!

To put it frankly - crocodiles are fearsome reptiles that don't take any prisoners. These savage, razor toothed monsters have long developed the habit of frequenting shallow waters and river banks in the hope of waiting for unwitting prey to sidle on by for them to basically eat. Let's not beat about the bush - crocodiles are terrifying killers, and don't for one second think they discriminate, because they don't! Dinner is dinner to these cold blooded leviathans. And as sickening as it may sound - many unfortunate humans have fallen victim to a particularly peckish croc'. So when the terrible news of a pregnant woman being attacked and gobbled up whole by one of these monsters came to my attention it severely touched a nerve. If there wasn't already enough reason to dread these scaly blood thirsty creatures then this has completely and utterly compounded that.

So a pregnant Ugandan lady and her friends went down to the river bank to draw water, as you probably do in that part of the world. When a presumably stealth crocodile took its chance and dragged her with it into the water. The poor woman was to never be seen again. 

As you can imagine her husband was devastated. Like anybody would be. Nobody expects to lose a loved one to a famished reptile. It doesn't bare thinking about. So what happened? Her husband, Mr. Mubarak Batambuze laments about how he felt powerless at hearing the most awful news. Beside himself with grief he was destroyed. Then a month ago the evil crocodile returned. One of Mubarak's friends instantly alerted him (via whatsapp, perhaps) saying, that they were staring right at it. At hearing this the 50 year old fisherman was filled with rage and rounded up some of his homies and proceeded to go and exact retribution on the creature that "robbed him of his future."

However, his attempt to kill the croc' proved to be unsuccessful as the sticks and stones that they had as weapons did nothing but make the horrible beast chuckle as it swam away until a more convenient time to snare some prey. 

Mr. Batambuze on failing to avenge his wife's death decided to visit his local blacksmith. On marching into the store he explained to the shop owner his situation: "A crocodile ate my wife! I desire revenge. I wish to take its life! Could you help make me a spear, please ?!" *

The blacksmith on hearing this impassioned request promptly whipped out his calculator and did some sums then sold Mr. Batambuze a top of the range spear would cost him £3.20 ($5). This was a significant amount of money for Batambuze but he didn't let it deter him. 

Nothing was going to stop him from exacting retribution. "The croc' yammed my wife entirely. Nothing was ever seen of her again. No clothes, no shoes, no weave - nothing! It was the end of my world. I was completely lost."

Armed with his new spear - specially designed with a barb on one side - the widower went on the attack. When he got to the water the vicious crocodile was there, but Batambuze's friends took fright. "Please don't attack this beast!" They pleaded, "It's so huge, it may eat you - the spear is not enough - it won't finish the job."

Nevertheless, Mr. Batambuze insisted that they stayed. Saying that he had failed the first time and that he wasn't bothered if he died killing it, valiantly declaring: "I will take it on and make sure it dies!" 

According to a Ugandan wildlife Authority ranger, Mr. Oswald Tumanya, the crocodile in question was four meters long and weighed a whooping 600kg. (Crikey!)

Batambuze recalls how he had so much fear within himself but what helped him to succeed was his £3.20 spear. He went on further, explaining how he tied a rope to the end of the weapon so that when the spear was embedded in the crocodile he would pull it out at an angle and the barb would cut into more of the flesh. Whilst he did this his fellow fishermen frantically threw stones at the beasts back. Our avenging widower recalls how there was so much panic in the place and that the evil crocodile had become extremly violent. Regardless of this almighty battle of men verses croc' he was determined to kill the hulking reptile, unconcerned if he died in the process. Stating that he wasn't afraid to lose his life. This fight lasted for an hour and a half until the plucky Ugandan men finally managed to slay the murdering crocodile. Exhausted due to their exertions they returned to the village where they were greeted by shock and admiration. "This was no ordinary crocodile, the villagers couldn't believe it was so big." Batambuze reflected. "They labelled me and my friends heroes." 

The dead crocodile was swiftly taken to a local university where it was examined by a vet. Batambuze says although he killed the animal and has become a somewhat celebrity within his village he feels depressed due to losing his wife and unborn child. And has no grave to mourn at. But the villagers basically keep telling him to not mind that, because he has done good. He'd killed a nasty crocodile that would scare them when they would go to fetch water. "So I'm a local hero - people keep thanking me." Batambuze concluded.

It is unconfirmed whether the reports of a wealthy western woman putting a down payment on the crocs skin for a new hand bag are correct.

Demola, TCC 

* Some parts of this true story have been slightly embellished for the sake of a cheap laugh.