And then there were two

The jubilation has well and truly subsided since my annoying neighbour and his girlfriend moved out from above me. The feeling of elation at best could be described as a fleeting sensation that came and went quickly. It's been some weeks since they moved and since then I've only had the misfortune of seeing him once, ambling outside of  my window looking his customary worse for wear.

So now there is just the two of us residing in the building. Me, and the jovial gummy man below, who recently is giving me great(er) cause for concern. Which is no mean feat in itself. Just a couple of weeks ago I was returning home with a friend who had been briefed on my neighbour, this was to be the day  that he finally got to see first hand how the man behaves. As we entered the hallway he popped out form behind his door talking in some weird colloquial Jamaican patois that he often likes to use. (Bare in mind he is not from the Caribbean). Anyway he was in a very happy mood, (perhaps high) he was telling me that he had recently watched a Nigerian under 17's football match and he was able to because he had a knock off Sky Sports streaming code or something. Yeah! (yawn) He was now able to watch football, any sport, from all over the world, any age, any league, blah, blah - droan! And if I wanted to watch any of these matches to let him know - and he would hook me up. "Yeah man!" (Sigh... No man) I have to be honest - I felt so, so embarrassed and awkward, my friend was beside me and I knew he was dying to laugh and I suppose I was but I couldn't - I had to get away. As per usual I said: "Thanks, ahem, erm - catch you later..." as I scuttled up the stairs and closed the door and watched my friend burst out into unrestrained laughter. I laughed a little but also deep down I felt sad. This is real life, this is my life. 

A few moments later we heard shouting and looked out of my living room window, it was my neighbour, loudly informing somebody on the street that he had Sky Sports and he could hook them up "Yeah man!" He was telling a stationary taxi driver and then shouted it to one of his cronies  walking on the road. My pal (laughing again) before insightfully telling me that this guy was crazy - asking why me he was telling the taxi driver about Sky Sports?!' (who I badly hoped he knew) and shouting all over the street. Again I felt sad. My neighbour was embarrassing me.

Fast forward a week and my neighbour knocks on my door whilst shouting, "Demi!" A nickname he likes to call me that makes me cringe to Timbuktu. Anyway I reluctantly opened my door and he proceeded to tell me that he was going to University, well he had an interview, he wants to study art, you see. (I couldn't help but detect a whiff of liquor and green stuff in the hallway). I asked him which University? To which he replied: "Huh?!" I informed him that there were three universities in the city so which one was  he going to. This confused him. As he thought there was only one. "I only want to go to one in the city centre." After telling him the three University names in Liverpool I then told him, calmly, that he would need to have a portfolio of his work to show at the interview to which he agreed and scampered back downstairs. Phew, now I could get back watching some TV. Before I could  even as much get tucked into Dinner Date again I heard that awful "Demi!!" again. "Oh what now?!" As I slowly got up and walked to the door. My neighbour aka  Mr. toothless was stood there with a picture of Bob Marley. "For you, take it..."

Well obviously I was surprised, why would he give me one of his paintings. Well he quickly answered: "You once said you liked it, plus how can I become a famous artist and get my art seen if they're not in other peoples homes... (Like people from the art world really visit my humble abode) So ya man! - take it." (I probably did say I liked it because it is half decent. But I wasn't hinting, all I implied was that it was a good attempt). So what could I do?? I couldn't refuse his gift, although I really, really (really) didn't want it. So I took it and thanked him (convincingly) and closed the door as he told me he would be making a "Fat scran"* over the weekend and I could have some if I wanted. I nodded wearily and stood behind the now closed door holding a picture of a musical and cannabis smoking pioneer. I looked at Bob, he looked back at me, I looked at Bob and then I heard my neighbours ropey patois in my mind again (yeah man!) and shook my head in utter dismay. What on earth was I going to do with this picture! I didn't want it, I don't want it, I will never, ever hang it up and, and argh!! I'm lumbered with it. I rested Bob on the floor (by the door, didn't want him getting too cosy in my flat) and pondered what to do with him as I finished watching Dinner Date.

Demola, TCC

*Scran - colloquial term for meal.